Day 45: Abraham Lincoln kept me from getting into a fight via email.

365 Days of Living the Dale Carnegie Principles

Day 45.  Monday, May 9, 2011
I sent an email to Bob today:
Hi Bob,
I’m putting together a marketing campaign for the soon to be released product XYZ.  I am hoping you can assist me.  Do you have a promo available for the product?  I’d love to put it on our website.

Thank you!
Smiling Daffodil.

Bob’s response:
Hi Smiling Daffodil,
I have attached a photo showing the CD your office should have received back in March.  Let me know if you are unable to locate the CD—if you can’t, I guess I can send you the very last CD I have.

Sincerely,
Bob

It was at this point I decided to take a break and go get some chocolate.  As you can imagine—my natural instinct was to email Bob a snide remark or two or three.  Instead I remembered Dale Carnegie quoting Abraham Lincoln, “Don’t criticize them; they are just what we would be under similar circumstances.”

After going out to get some fresh air and some chocolate I decided the best approach is to not respond to Bob today.  I have also come up with material I can use for the marketing campaign that doesn’t interrupt Bob’s busy schedule. 

The Dale Carnegie principle I used in this example is from How to Win Friends and Influence People:
Principle 26.  Let the other person save face.

The background to the story—the CD that Bob sent back in March was lost by an associate.  I didn’t want to throw my associate under the bus.  Before my associate accidentally misplaced the CD, I did review it—and it wasn’t a promo video.  In addition—I didn’t point out to Bob that he could easily copy the CD.  Or even ftp the files to the server.  These were all glaringly obvious options to someone who is moderately tech savvy but I concluded from Bob’s email that he wasn’t too skilled in these areas.  So I have opted to gather marketing materials from other sources.

The lesson I want you to take from this story—it can be difficult dealing with people with skill levels and aptitudes that may not be on par with yours.  There’s no point in making them feel small, incapable or inferior.  Remind yourself that they are probably very skilled and have great abilities in other areas.  In fact, they probably excel in areas that you do not.  When you take this approach you are able to stay focused on getting work done without wasting time on pettiness, negativity or blame.

Day 34. Living the Dale Carnegie principles leads to meals better than SPAM

365 Days of Living the Dale Carnegie Principles

Day 34.  April 28, 2011
A couple months ago I heard some disturbing news at work about “Samantha”, one of our customers.  Samantha was on her way to overnight a package to me—when she received news that her husband was in a near fatal motorcycle accident. 

Samantha’s husband wasn’t wearing a helmet.  You can use your imagination when thinking about what happens when a person hits the pavement while riding fast on a motorcycle. He received incredible injuries to his face and head.  He nearly lost his eye.

What do you say to a customer whose husband is in the ICU?  What do you say when you don’t really know this customer other than through email?  Well, at the time, I was enrolled in the Dale Carnegie course.  So I did my best to respond—I was super awkward but sincere.

I didn’t know her faith, her religion, her values or beliefs.  I really didn’t know her—other than I work with her on specific projects via email. 

I didn’t want my email to be an empty, standard form-letter type of response.  I took a leap of faith and expressed my thoughts to her.  I told her I would pray for her and her husband. 

 And I did pray for them. 

A few weeks later she called me—we have never spoken on the phone.  She was apologetic for not sending the package!  I told her forget the package—how’s her husband?  We talked for a bit and I took a brave leap into the unknown by telling her I would continue to pray for her and her husband.

I continue to check in on her at random times—by sending emails with subject lines:  “Just checking in.”  I begin my emails by saying, “I saw a motorcyclist the other day and thought of your husband.  How is he doing?”  There is a definite clumsiness about my emails—they are short but friendly—and on familiar terms—as if I have known her for years – despite the fact I wouldn’t know her in a crowd.  When I proof my emails to her before pressing “Send” I think geesh—I look like a novice trying to come off human and warm.  I hit send anyway and hope I didn’t say something stupid. 

And each time she responds back—so grateful to hear from me (of all people!) Honestly—I’m not sure who is touched more by this exercise in humanity—me or her. 

The Dale Carnegie principle I used is from How to Stop Worrying and Start Living:
Create happiness for others.

Sometimes it’s a real stretch to create happiness for someone else—especially a stranger—because it requires you to put yourself in the vulnerable position of being human and caring.  It is not easy.  I know it!  But when you take this chance and give of yourself – you find a different sort of happiness.  It’s not a shallow or brief moment of happiness.  It’s genuine and rich. 

Is there really a need for a caption?

I love food analogies—so it’s like having prime rib instead of SPAM.

Day 30. Create happiness for others… with a smile, your time and cookies!

365 Days of Living the Dale Carnegie Principles

Day 30.  April 24, 2011
I was at Albertson’s today—checking the bakery department for the perfect cookies.  I found my favorites—soft sugar cookies with yellow frosting and sprinkles.  These are perfect, I thought to myself.

I headed over to Church’s Fried Chicken.  I pulled into the parking lot around 4:45 pm and thought – dear God—clearly I’ve lost my mind.

I stuffed the package of 1 dozen sugar cookies in my very large purse.  I walked into Church’s Fried Chicken and I was greeted by none other than Esther! 

I smiled at her and said I wasn’t there to order chicken.  I pulled the cookies out of my purse and said, “these are for you!”

“For me?  Thank you!  Did you just get out of work?  Are you sure you don’t want chicken?  How about just a drink?”

I replied, “no, no.  I am stuffed from a big lunch—but thank you.  I had to pick up some items from work—and I thought I’d stop by to see you—you mentioned you had to work on Easter Sunday.”

As I was leaving—she said—“wait.  I am getting married soon and my friend is throwing a party for me.  Will you give me your information?  I’d like you to come!”

The Dale Carnegie principle I used today:
From How to Win Friends and Influence People:
Principle 5.  Smile.

From How to Stop Worrying and Start Living:
– Create happiness for others.

I made a mental note Esther had to work on Easter Sunday—and I imagined myself in her shoes—wanting to be home with family but having to work instead.  What would I like if I were in her shoes?  I decided a simple gesture of stopping by with some cookies would be nice. 

Magnify your awareness of others

When you take the time to create happiness for others—you reap the benefits.  Your perspective changes.  You become more aware of other people instead of spending all your time focusing on yourself and you will discover a deeper level of happiness in your life.

Day 18. How Dale Carnegie helped me sell my first large photograph

365 Days of Living the Dale Carnegie Principles

Day 18.  April 12, 2011
As I parked my car at the Hilton hotel this evening my favorite song began:  The Dog Days Are Over—by Florence + Machine.  I drew courage from that song—for I was going to embark on a different experience this evening.

I recently donated a 24” x 36” framed photograph to a charity auction.  And this evening was the big auction.  The attendees were important people—in an expensive part of the city.  I labored this morning trying to figure out what to wear so that I’d blend in.  As I entered the reception hall—I drew from the Dale Carnegie principles.  I smiled. 

My 24" x 36" framed photo in a public setting (sorry about the glare)

You see, the important detail here is that I didn’t know a single person at this event.  The only vague connection I had was that I knew the mother of one of the event coordinators for this event. 

I planned on just stopping in for an hour—to see my framed photograph in a public setting.  But I ended up staying for the entire event.  You see, I met the vague connection—her name was “Patricia”.  We ended up talking the whole evening.  I asked questions, listened and asked more questions.  I was interested in learning more about her, what she does for the company she works for and more about her mother— whom I know pretty well.  I wasn’t trying to get anything in return.  I just listened.

I mentioned to “Patricia” I was afraid no one would bid on my photograph.  (The sheet was blank with no bidders yet). 

Then when I checked back I noticed she put her name down as a bidder.  Then a couple other individuals starting bidding.  There was a bidding war over my photograph.  They asked me questions about the photo—what was my inspiration—where did I take it—how did I get so close up to the subject in the photograph.   I felt like a real photographer. 

By becoming interested in other people—they became interested in me—and as a result—my photograph brought in $250 for charity.  Everyone won this evening.

The Dale Carnegie principles I applied are from How to Win Friends and Influence People:
Principle 4.  Become genuinely interested in other people.
Principle 5.  Smile.
Principle 7.  Be a good listener.  Encourage others to talk about themselves.

So remember, if you enter an uncomfortable situation where you don’t know anyone—try the time tested technique of smiling.  This tends to disarm people.  Then encourage others to talk about themselves and what interests them. You will discover this technique puts you at ease and makes you a more personable individual to those you meet.

Day 16. A trip to the nail salon is a great place to apply the Dale Carnegie principles…

365 Days of Living the Dale Carnegie Principles

Day 16.  April 10, 2011 
I was at the nail salon today getting a manicure and pedicure.  The challenge is—I feel the same way about getting my nails done as I do about getting teeth pulled.  It’s a mild form of torture—and how I wish they would just sedate me for the entire process.

Using the Dale Carnegie principles... one step at a time

I wondered if I could swing the application of Dale Carnegie principles while I was there.  I smiled as I walked through the salon seeing the other customers.  I grinned as I showed the manicurist my accidental mishap with the nail polish I spilled all over my hands.  The other customers looked amused at least.   As the mild mannered gentleman clipped, sanded and used all sorts of horrifying implements on my feet I sat cringing, with my hands on the arm rests in a death grip.  Oh, I put on a good show.

Suddenly one of the manicurists got up and dismissed herself.  Apparently she wasn’t feeling well—and her two clients were left with half finished manicures and pedicures. 

These two clients started to complain – they had been there for an hour and a half, etc, etc.  One of the manicurists—a junior in high school— did her best to shuffle from one client to the next. 

Somewhere along the way light conversation began among all of us.  Nothing profound—just friendly, small talk.  It was a nice human connection and a great way to diffuse the stress levels.  The woman next to me was getting her nails done because she was going to a musical tonight.  The other two complaining ladies admitted they were enjoying the massaging chairs and they were happy to be away from their husbands and kids.

Find opportunities to smile

I enjoyed watching and being an active participant in this process.  Another customer came and started to complain that she had an appointment and she’s been waiting 20 minutes.  The staff apologized. 

I informed the complaining customer that they were short staffed—an employee went home sick.  The look on the customer’s face completely changed.  Oh—I understand.  Her demeanor turned to pleasant and accommodating. 

Armed with confidence that the Carnegie principles were working—I decided to turn my attention to the high school student who was now painting my toenails.  I told her I admired her patience and skill with the task.  That I have no ability to do what she does—and besides—my own feet scare me.  She thanked me and laughed.  I learned she wants to go into medical school but she’s worried her grades aren’t good enough.  I asked questions here and there and she continued to talk about herself.

When it was time to pay she thanked me for my patience.  They had been short not one—but two employees that day and that it was especially hectic for her and the others to pick up the slack. 

I smiled, thanked her and gave her a good tip.

The Dale Carnegie principles I used today:
From How to Win Friends and Influence People: 
Principle 1.  Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.
Principle 2.  Give honest, sincere appreciation.
Principle 4.  Become genuinely interested in other people.
Principle 5.  Smile.
Principle 7.  Be a good listener.  Encourage others to talk about themselves.
Principle 8.  Talk in terms of the other person’s interests. 

Remember, the next time you’re in a setting where the service isn’t what you are accustomed to—take a moment to remember the employees are human.  A kind word, patience and understanding can go a long way in making sure you get good service and you also diffuse a stressful situation.

Day 14. Try this approach when you’re tempted to bite someone’s head off just because it’s the morning

365 Days of Living the Dale Carnegie Principles

Day 14.  April 8, 2011 
Before taking the Dale Carnegie course, I would have approached this day differently.  To me this day has two tasks that must be completed.  Absolutely everything else is trivial because I don’t go home until these two tasks are finished.  Period.

But having taken the Dale Carnegie course, I am more aware of my surroundings and the effect my attitude and behavior has on the people in it.  Grumble.  This is a horse pill to swallow and without water.  You see, having focus gets the job done—but it doesn’t often endear you to other people if you come off cold.  Plus people tend to fear their heads will get bitten off as they tip-toe around you.

I prepared myself for this day by skipping the gym the night before and trying to get to bed a bit earlier than usual.  On the drive to work I prayed then I listened to a CD on personal development.  You would think given these precautions it’s easy for me to be a ray of sunshine in the morning.  Ha.

Cautiously my coworker—Marcella suggested I go get my Java Chip Frappuccino before we begin working on a project together.  (That’s code for you’re probably going to be crabby until you have your precious drink).  I smile and say I’m ready to begin the project without the drink.

As we begin to work on the project together I decided to try to see things from Marcella’s perspective.  I decided to point out specific elements of Marcella’s work that I really liked.  I was sincere in my words—I really cannot swing flattery and I’d rather say nothing at all if it comes off fake or insincere.

The result of my actions towards Marcella created a positive, relaxed and dare I say it—fun atmosphere—and it was done without the help of a Java Chip Frappuccino—which I have to say probably startled us both.  All it took was a firm resolve to change.

The Dale Carnegie principles I used this morning:
From Dale Carnegie’s book, How to Win Friends and Influence People:
Principle 1.  Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
Principle 13.  Begin in a friendly way.

From Dale Carnegie’s book, How to Stop Worrying and Start Living:
Pray.
Do the very best you can.
Protect your health and appearance by relaxing at home.

I rested the night before, mentally prepared myself this morning by praying.  By putting myself in Marcella’s shoes of being stuck with a grouch (me) I was more willing to surprise her and me by choosing to be a friendlier individual.  I even found reasons to praise her sincerely.

Not only did I get my two main tasks complete today but no one’s heads were bitten off.

So, remember, as stressful as a day might be—try to put yourself in someone else’s shoes to see what it would be like to have to work with a cold, head-biting individual (even if that individual is a hard worker).  Instead of biting their heads off, surprise them by beginning in a friendly way.  I guarantee you’ll enjoy the reaction.

Day 12. A different kind of family reunion

365 Days of Living the Dale Carnegie Principles

Day 12.  April 6, 2011 
Preface:  Ever since I began this blog I’ve been waking up excited—which is really bazaar because I’ve been battling mornings since the first day of kindergarten. (Yes, I distinctly remember that day).  Dare I say it… I’m actually smiling in the morning these days.

Principle 5. Smile!

I had no idea I just needed a goal to get me going each day and to keep me focused.   Quite simply, the goal is to have good material to write this blog for the two people who read it.  Ha. 

————————————
Hello Carnegie Graduates!
The first week of every month is reserved for a very special family reunion.  No, this isn’t with in-laws, grandparents or second cousins twice removed.  This is the class reunion of Carnegie graduates. 

I’m not sure how it happened but I’m the ringleader of this monthly reunion.  With our busy work and family schedules it’s a challenge to settle on a date that works for everyone.  I chose Wednesday because that was the day we would meet for class.  I had confirmations from guests but still wondered…what if I’m the only one that shows up this time?

Before the Carnegie course this is how the scenario would play out in my head:

1. Why would I want to be in charge of organizing this Dale Carnegie class reunion? 
2. Will people show up? 
3. What will we talk about? 
4. Where will we eat, what time, what day…and the details and worries go on and on – with the main concern being—what if I am the only one that shows up?  Oh, I’ll be mad and disgraced alright.

Now, since I’m a Carnegie graduate who is working diligently to hold on to the Carnegie principles—this is my thought process:

1. Yes, I should be the ringleader organizing this event—I do a good job handling details and it looks like everyone seems to appreciate that I am taking on this role.  If I didn’t do this task—we’d never keep in touch and that would be a waste of an opportunity to help and support each other.  Besides, we had such a fun time in our last reunion….
2. Several people have sent their RSVP and expressed their excitement.  I’m sure they will come and I’m looking forward to seeing them and hearing how they are applying the Carnegie principles.  I can learn from their experiences.
3. What will we talk about?  This one oddly enough is funny.  It turns out even the quietest, shyest Carnegie graduate (me!) cannot stop talking.  There are so many topics that can be discussed—everyone has something interesting to say and we are a group of people who encourage one another.  These are people you want to be around.  Their stories are among the best.  We are good at talking and listening.
4. If no one shows up it will be ok.  I’ll certainly order dinner and have a pleasant meal by myself.  Besides—it will be an interesting test to see how I react to the unexpected or a disappointing circumstance as a Carnegie graduate.  Besides, I will take heart knowing I did my part of stepping out of my comfort zone. 

I’m sure you’re at the edge of your seats… did I eat by myself this evening?  Oh the drama….

No I did not.  What a marvelous time the five of us Carnegie graduates had together!  We come from completely different backgrounds—yet we all have a firm desire to improve ourselves and the way we handle circumstances in our lives.  We build up, encourage and are genuinely interested in each other. 

The Dale Carnegie principles I applied today:
From How to Win Friends and Influence People:
Principle 7.  Become genuinely interested in other people.

From How to Stop Worrying and Start Living:
Ask yourself, “What is the worst that can possibly happen?”  Prepare to accept the worst.  Try to improve on the worst.
Create happiness for others.

Getting the group of Carnegie graduates together—whether it’s two, three, five or ten of us—is an opportunity to create happiness for others and the perfect chance to become genuinely interested in and learn from people that come from different walks of life.  Sure, I run the risk of being the only one that shows up to an event—or being that person that sends those countless annoying email reminders about upcoming events… but that is a position I am willing to put myself in because of what I can gain.  It’s all about perspective.

Day 8. Ode to the rotting fish and my name sure sounds sweet to the ear…

365 Days of Living the Dale Carnegie Principles

Day 8.  April 2, 2011 
Preface:  I was concerned I wouldn’t find an opportunity to exercise the principles.  By the day’s end I have two stories to share.

Story 1.
I was at Chick-fil-A, ordering a chicken sandwich combo meal.  The cashier asked my name which I thought was odd—because they serve the food immediately after you pay.  I handed her the money and she said, “’Smiling Daffodil’, here’s your meal.  Thank you.” 

Admittedly, they are trained to add this personal touch, but I have to say, I was reminded of Dale Carnegie’s principle from How to Win Friends and Influence People:
Principle 6.  Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

The effect of calling someone by their name humanizes the relationship—no matter how brief or seemingly insignificant the moment.  Yes, this was just a meal at a fast food restaurant.  But as I sat eating, I was also observing the manager:  Cody Northern, working hard—talking to the customers, cleaning the tables, asking customers if they want refills on their drinks.  I heard him gently advising a young employee to train his eye to make sure the tables are in order… etc, etc.  You could really see that the manager takes great pride in his restaurant—as he should.  He was creating a very friendly atmosphere with a focus on serving his customers. 

I would never have bothered to observe any of this had the cashier not called me by name to humanize my visit to Chick-fil-A. 

So, next time you meet a stranger—take the time to learn their name. It makes the person feel important and it indicates to that person that you value human relationships. 

In my case—odds are very high I will be loyal to this particular Chick-fil-A restaurant by visiting again and again—because they proved they value my business.

Story 2.
Preface:  I remember with strange fondness the foul odor of a rotting fish in my backyard a week ago today.  That rotting fish was the inspiration for me to begin this blog.  Thank goodness for that fish. 

Swedish Fish to celebrate 1 week anniversary of this blog

I was returning home, about to drive up my driveway into the garage.  Except I couldn’t because there was a car parked horizontally, blocking most of my driveway. 

This was the last straw for me.  First the mysterious rotting fish in my backyard last week.  Now this?  I got out of the car, refused to take a deep breath and approached the neighbor’s house, pretty steamed.  I thought about Dale Carnegie’s Principle 10:  The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.  (From How to Win Friends and Influence People) But that principle went out the window—because I was knocking at the neighbor’s door and I wasn’t leaving until I confronted the neighbors.

I had no idea what I was going to say and despite being steamed I knew I needed to use the Dale Carnegie principles.  Somehow I managed to come up with:

Hi—I’m your neighbor next door.  I’m afraid I’m not a very good driver and I don’t want to hit your car as I try to squeeze through up my driveway.  Is there anyway you could move the car?

They apologized profusely.  I said—oh no problem.  And I’m sorry to interrupt your Saturday night movie.  We ended up talking for a few minutes—catching up on each other’s lives—it turned out to be a very pleasant experience. 

There are multiple principles I used from Dale Carnegie. 

From How to Win Friends and Influence People:
Principle 8.  Talk in terms of the other person’s interests. 
Principle 13.  Begin in a friendly way.
Principle 20.  Dramatize your ideas.

From How to Stop Worrying and Start Living:
Don’t worry about the past.

I began in a friendly way, dramatizing the idea that given my poor driving skills I will likely hit their car—so they probably want to move it out of harm’s way.  By having a friendly conversation—the moment was humanized—these are people just like me.  They have faces and names.  There was no need to worry about last week’s mysterious rotting fish that was at the side of my house.  It could have been anyone that tossed it into my yard.

So remember—if you find yourself in a position that you need to confront someone—take a deep breath, remember they are human and approach them in the same courteous way you would like to be treated.  Most people will respond in a reasonable way with this approach and you will avoid an unnecessary battle or feud.

Day 7. Perspective

365 Days of Living the Dale Carnegie Principles

Day 7.  April 1, 2011 

I was talking to a friend named Harold.  Harold is very experienced and skilled in his career.  While we were both taking a break, Harold felt it was important to give me advice on how to do my job.  The thing is—our job responsibilities couldn’t be more different. 

I didn’t ask for the advice and frankly I wouldn’t seek it from Harold.  He doesn’t have the experience to give me the advice. 

I’ve often been told my eyes give me away—that you can tell what I think of a person just by looking at my eyes. 

Well today being Day 7 of my 365 day challenge of living the Dale Carnegie principles, I wasn’t going to go down without a fight (a different sort of fight).  So, instead of calling Harold a misguided fool or an idiot (with my eyes of course)… I decided to take a different approach. I took a deep breath.  I focused on the prize.  The prize is changing my behaviors and attitudes. 

I remembered a passage from Dale Carnegie’s book, How to Win Friends and Influence People.  The passage is about Abraham Lincoln:
“And when Mrs. Lincoln and others spoke harshly of the southern people, Lincoln replied:  ‘Don’t criticize them; they are just what we would be under similar circumstances.’”  (Part I, Chapter 1)

Harold is behaving the way he knows how to behave.  I tried to put myself in Harold’s shoes.   Harold likes to feel important – and in fact, all of us do.  I took another deep breath before responding to Harold.

I thanked Harold for his kindness in giving me advice.  Harold went back to work happily and ironically… I did too. 

There are multiple principles I used in this situation.  Among them are:

From Dale Carnegie’s book, How to Stop Worrying and Start Living:
Don’t fuss about trifles.

From Dale Carnegie’s book, How to Win Friends and Influence People:
Principle 9.  Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely. 
Principle 10.  The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
Principle 17.  Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.

The next time someone frustrates you—take a deep breath and think about Abraham Lincoln’s words:  “they are just what we would be under similar circumstances.”

When you do this, you will be reminded that this frustrating individual is human, makes mistakes just like you and me and craves the need to feel important—just like you and me.  If you can sincerely find a way to make the individual feel important—you will grow as a person and you’ll be much happier.